Fear

Fear is a pretty common thing for people to have. I think there is (at least) one some thing that we are afraid of. Be it failure, dying, loss, or something more specific such as heights, mice, snakes, or insects. For most, these fears aren't debilitating, but are more of something that we've grown to be afraid of.

I have me a few fears. At times over the course of my life there have been more..and less. Over the years though my fears have changed. I've gone from being scared of insignificant (to me) things to being afraid of things on a much different level. Take for instance I used to be scared of needles. Seems kind of silly when I think back, but I had a pretty traumatic experience with them. Of course, I was just 7 years old and at that age, it got blown out of proportion. I've managed to over come that fear, but then I've had to, being stuck with as many as I have since then.
Mice are another thing I have a fear of but for no apparent reason why. I think it's just because I find them dirty and well..down right nasty. No..no mouse has ever done anything to me. It's just one of those things that I developed a fear of. These days there are other things that frighten me, but they pertain more to events surrounding my son and my capabilities as a mother. I fear the unknown, the future, the uncontrollable. But more or less, I do what I feel is right and put my faith in God that it will all turn out.

Guess what? I do have a secret. I have a fear now so profound that I classify it as a phobia. And it may sound slightly weird given my status, but I am fearful of men. Sounds odd given the fact that I'm married to one, right? It's true though. I'm scared of men - new strange men - and often to the point where it effects my life negatively. Meeting new people isn't always easy, but my fears go beyond just meeting an unfamiliar man. I actually go out of my way NOT to meet them. I avoid eye contact and speaking to them altogether if I can. I will put as much distance as I can between me and a male stranger. There have even been times when I wouldn't leave my home because it meant coming face to face with a unknown man. I get the uneasy feeling, sweaty palms and racing heart beat. I lay awake at night tossing and turning because it's not enough that I simply fear men! No! I am also afraid that I'll be attacked by one or my home will be broken into by one (then attacking me).
Sounds odd, doesn't it? I'm not certain what manifested this phobia within me, though I suspect I have an idea (a story for another time). But there is one thing or rather one person that has helped me cope with this, Big Daddy. He is very much aware of my phobia though I try not to let it effect him or Critter too much. Yet I don't think he knows that he is what helps me keep my cool. I'm Lionel (from the Peanuts cartoon) and he is my security blanket. If we are out together and the fear creeps up - and it does - all I have to do is reach for his hand, holding it tightly in mine and I'm able to talk myself down. Even when I feel frightened in my own home I search for him to quell my fears. I have no explanation as to why he is able to put that specific phobia at bay, but he does and that in itself is very comforting to me.

So tonight I'm going to pretend that the big lug is here, lying beside me instead of in some hotel room in North Carolina because when he's gone, my Louisville Slugger just doesn't have the same reassuring sooooooothing affect.

Goodnight kiddies.